I want to talk about two things today: dealing with anger and dealing with negative thoughts.

1) Dealing with anger: a mom writes the well-known Catholic psychologist, Dr. Ray Guarendi, “Dear Dr. Ray, How can I discipline my children without getting angry? I find myself becoming easily frustrated with my sons, ages nine and thirteen” (Good Discipline, Great Teens, 58).

Parenting can make us very angry. If a child misbehaves only once a day, that’ll be over 5,000 times by age 16! When a friend of mine first met my mom, she asked, “How was Fr. Justin as a child?” My mom responded with a dead-pan face, “He was lively.”

2) Dealing with angry thoughts: a counselor I know told me that one reason why people can be suffering from depression is that they’ve been thinking depressing thoughts for so long, and so it makes them depressed. That made a lot of sense to me. Knowing this, what sort of thoughts do you think angry people have? Angry thoughts. What are critical people thinking about all the time? How bad other people or things are.

Part of the solution to both problems is suggested by our Lord today, “Beware, keep alert; for you do not know when the time will come.” Pope Benedict said this means vigilance: “doing what is right here and now” (Jesus of Nazareth, Part 2, 48). Be vigilant over your anger and negative thoughts, stop them before they begin. Don’t say something you’ll regret or which will deeply hurt someone. Don’t even go there. Because once they get out of hand, everyone suffers. I’ve suffered so much from my anger and thoughts that it’s forced me to learn another way. I’m a firm believer in apologizing when I do something wrong. But, since I don’t like apologizing, the best way for me to avoid saying ‘Sorry’ is not to mess up in the first place!

For the mother who’s struggling with anger (for anyone actually), Dr. Ray gives suggests three things to not blow up.

1) “Get out of each other’s faces.” When you start to feel angry, either send the child to his room or you go to yours. “Distance is a great sedative. It helps clear minds, stabilize reasoning and soften words.” (Guarendi, 59-60).

2) “Delay. If a particular problem or misbehavior is unexpected, baffling or worrisome, it doesn’t need to be faced instantly… Put a little time between your discovery of the misconduct and your response to it. Like distance, time tranquillizes emotions.”

3) “Drop your voice. John Wayne’s acting advice is sound advice for parents: talk low, talk slow.” I love this saying!  At World Youth Day 2008, I took a group of 52 pilgrims. While on a train, we were singing and praying and a man got mad at us. So I went to speak to him about it. Later on, one pilgrim said to me, “Father, whenever there’s a conflict, you always slow things down.” That’s true: when there’s a problem, I’ve learned to talk more slowly, take deep breaths, wait, and be calm. And it always works.

For the second problem, dealing with negative thoughts, the same advice applies: be vigilant about your thoughts; guard them. What are you thinking about all day? Your spouse’s mistakes and flaws? Your kids who never do anything right? That driver who cut you off?

Does everyone know what the word ‘rehearsing’ means when we’re talking about negative thoughts? When someone hurts us, we replay the whole event again and again in our minds. It can go on for hours, days, weeks, months, years! We obsess about it. Someone, for example, calls us selfish, and all these thoughts go through our head: “How could she talk to me that way?… Just what exactly did she mean by ‘selfish’?… I’m selfish? Has she ever taken a good look at herself?… Maybe I’ll call her tonight or send her an e-mail. Or maybe I’ll just wait and see if she brings it up again” (Dr. Ray Guarendi, Fighting Mad, 125).

How many times do we misinterpret other people’s actions and it blows up in our mind? When I was in Rome, I lived in a large house with about 35 priests. One time we had a dinner where we invited many guests. As I walked into the dining room, Don Roberto, a classmate, asked me to sit at a table where he was surrounded by Italian guests. I tried to decline politely because I didn’t want to be the only person at the table who didn’t speak Italian well; I wouldn’t understand what they were saying, they wouldn’t be patient with me and I’d be lost. But he insisted and so I got stuck there. It was a three hours of pain. On the outside, I was laughing and trying to be courteous. On the inside, I was frustrated and really ticked off at him for putting me through this (how exactly do you say in Italian, “I hate your guts, Don Roberto”?). When the guests left, I went to him and said, “Do you know how hard that is for me? I can’t participate in the discussion, I can’t express myself, and those people had no patience with me?” He had no idea I felt this way and explained that he thought of me as one of them, one of the brothers, and didn’t look at me as a foreigner who’s on the outside looking in. What I had been thinking wasn’t true at all.

It’s so important, when it comes to our thoughts, that we ask ourselves what I think is a very Catholic question (I say ‘Catholic’ because it’s at the heart of our worldview), and that question is, “Is it true?” When we think, “No one loves me,” is that true?  Is it true that you’re not good enough, that your life is terrible, that that person hurt you on purpose? Maybe it is. If so, then let’s deal with it. But maybe it’s just a bad day or it was an accident.

Whenever something bothers me, I bring it to Jesus, we have a long conversation and He always consoles me. Sometimes I bring it to another priest or a friend. We need to talk it out. I need someone to listen to me, share my hurt, and give some advice.

I did this for a wonderful man who had been suffering for years with negative thoughts. We talked about what was bothering him, I listened, we analyzed, broke it down, and prayed. We did this during many meetings–this was essential and helpful. But after many times, he brought it up again, didn’t say anything new, and I said, “Wait.  We’ve been here before. This is nothing new. We always talk about this. You already know the answers and know what I’m going to tell you. These thoughts are dominating your life and they’re killing you. This isn’t what God wants.” He agreed. Then I continued, “You know, I think this is a temptation from the devil (not that you’re possessed or anything). It’s a distraction from more important things. We could be talking about so many other great things but we’re stuck on this!” With love and a smile, I finished off, “You’re wasting your time… and you’re wasting my time. Nothing will be achieved by thinking about these same thoughts over and over again. This is a distraction.” When I said this, he totally agreed and finally was free of it.

This advice has been helpful in my own life! There are certain patterns of thought I try to control because I say to myself, “I’ve been there before, I know where they go, and I don’t want to go there again.”

The counselor I mentioned at the beginning says it’s helpful for all people, not just those struggling with depression, to repeat certain truths that give us peace and life. It’s like rehearsing something that’s life-giving. One of his favourite sayings is, “The father is fathering me.” It means that our Father in heaven is always taking care of us, supporting us, and even during the crosses of daily life, our Father’s allowing them so that we grow. This is now one of my favourites. I often repeat this truth all day long, as a sort of prayer. Try doing this when you wake up (you have to think about something). If you do, you’ll have a great day. Even if things go wrong, you’ll be able to cope with them.

So, what are you going to think about? What will you rehearse over and over again in your head?

I used to have a huge temper, but with God’s grace, I’ve learned to control it. I always put some distance between me and the situation, take some time, and slow things down. And I try to rehearse in my head only what’s true.

Be vigilant about your anger and negative thoughts.