Most of us know Ricky, our Director of Community, and this is his wife, Raquel.  They have been blessed with a harmonious, God-centered marriage.  If you’ve met Ricky, you know he’s gentle, masculine, and levelheaded, but what has surprised me is that he’s the Catholic that talks most about the idea of husbands’ leading their families.  And, when you meet Raquel, you realize that she’s not a pushover, but strong, feminine, and an equal to Ricky.

In our culture, because we know that husbands and wives are equal, there’s a belief that they’re the same.  Our culture seems to go from one extreme to another: Husbands have been domineering, so now they’re passive; women were subjugated, so now they should compete with men in their careers.  The Bible teaches that men and women are equal but different.

I bring up Ricky and Raquel because they’re one model, not the only one, of living God’s vision of complementary roles in marriage.

The Second Reading is broken down into two sections, how to live in the family of the Church, and how to live in one’s own family.  In the first section, look at all the virtues St. Paul tells us to practice: “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.  Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other…  Clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.  And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body.  And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms … to God.  And whatever you do… do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus” (Col 3:12-17).  These are foundational virtues, and without them, we can’t have good families.

The theme of today’s homily is: How can I make my family happy?  If we were to ask ourselves this question as we go home, how would the rest of today be different?  If we asked this question every morning and when we return home in the evening, and practice these virtues St. Paul lists, how would next year be better?  In addition, each of us should ask ourselves this question as we move into the second section, which can be misunderstood easily.

St. Paul continues, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.  Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly” (3:18-19).  We know that wives’ being subject to their husbands doesn’t mean being a doormat or unequal because, in Ephesians 5:21, where St. Paul also writes about marriage, he says, “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,” meaning that husbands and wives should mutually submit to the other, and, given what the rest of the Bible says about the equal dignity of the human person before God, we know these words aren’t used to justify domination or abuse.

Why then doesn’t St. Paul just say this?  Because he’s thinking about the imagery of Jesus being married to the Church, in which He takes the initiative to love and we respond in love to Him and submit to Him, and Paul is also thinking about the imagery of the husband’s being the priest of the house—we’ll talk about this more in the future.  But, for now, this is what Pope Pius XI wrote, on 31 December 1930, “If the man is the head, the woman is the heart, and as he occupies the chief place in ruling, so she… ought to claim for herself the chief place in love”.  Pope Pius added that the way in which this is lived out differs according to different people and cultures (there’s no one-size-fits-all solution), and that people should also not abuse this teaching to take away the freedom of women, nor should it be understood that the wife obeys every whim of her husband.

Only two virtuous people can live these complementary roles well.  If two selfish, immature people live this, they’ll ruin it.  A husband should think: ‘If I’m the head, how can I make my wife and children happy?’  Likewise, a wife would pray, ‘If I’m the heart, how can I make my husband and children happy?’  Of course, I’m assuming relatively healthy marriages here.  If there’s physical or emotional abuse, that abuse must stop immediately before we get to different roles in marriage.

Today, as we celebrate the Holy Family (Jesus, Mary, and Joseph), what’s fascinating is that Jesus is God and yet chooses to submit to Joseph and Mary: He’s the creator, all powerful and all knowing, but submits to His creatures, because, in His divinity, He knows that Mary and Joseph grow in perfection by leading Him!

What’s also remarkable is that Mary, the most perfect being in all creation, and who, as we said last week, has no sin, submits herself to the leadership of Joseph, who, though one of the greatest saints, still committed some venial sins.  Do you think Mary ever said, ‘I’m the one without sin, I should be leading this family’?  She probably thought, ‘The Holy Spirit will work through Joseph.  He’s a wise man who listens to God.’  Joseph probably thought: ‘I have to protect and provide for my foster son, Who is God, and my wife, who’s the most perfect creature.  Holy Spirit, please help me do this.’  In this family, there was no discord, abuse, or domination, but humility, self-sacrifice, and reverence for the other.

All this applies to St. Paul’s words regarding parents and children: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is your acceptable duty in the Lord.  Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart” (3:20-21).  Obviously, we don’t obey if our parents tell us to sin, and, when we move out, we no longer obey our parents in the same way, but still respect them.  However, our whole lives, we ask how we can make our parents happy, not meaning that we live for them, but are concerned about them.

Furthermore, St. Paul tells fathers not to abuse their authority because, though parents are given authority by God, which is something our society never discusses, that authority is given so that parents are strong, loving, and lead their children to God.

In the future, we’ll look more deeply into the roles of husband and wife.  Today, I’ll put three resources on my blog about this theology, including a critique* of how a few Catholics have a really flawed understanding of this, such as “women shouldn’t work outside the home and… owe unilateral obedience to their husbands”.  For now, we’re just laying the groundwork: Husbands and wives are equal; they have complementary roles; and the foundation of a good marriage is virtue.

Six years ago, we talked a few times about St. Gianna Beretta Molla and her husband, Pietro.

We’re going to show a six-minute clip about them which we showed then, and notice how they both work, but there’s this balance of masculinity and femininity, they prioritize God and family, and ask themselves the question, ‘How can I make you happy?’ (Please watch this video at 6:48-7:24; 10:02-12:03; 16:20-17:12; 18:05-20:50).

One tip that Ricky and Raquel shared is that they try to outdo one another in saying, ‘Thank you,’ ‘I love you,’ and, ‘Please,’ as well as asking if the other needs help, and sharing in the responsibilities of family life.  This is part of how they answer the question, ‘How can I make my family happy?’

 

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Resources:

1) Wives Do What?  by Rachel Fay

2)Wives, Be Subordinate to Your Husbands

3) “Ask Your Husband” is a Superficial, Ideological and Incoherent “Guide”*