In the seminary, our moral theology professor said that many saints instruct us to choose friends intentionally, because some friendships can lead us away from God: We get drunk or commit sexual sins, our conversations are full of swearing and gossip, or we conceal our love for Jesus in order to fit in. So, many saints say: Select friends who are virtuous and love God. My professor, however, felt this advice was too clinical, making friendships somewhat businesslike, instead of letting them grow organically. Which of these approaches do you support: Choosing friends carefully, or letting them happen, or somewhere in between?
The Gospel today is very rare and beautiful in that it shows Jesus’ human friendships. Let’s look at these four verses: “The sisters sent a message to Jesus, ‘Lord, he whom you love is ill’” (Jn 11:3); “Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus” (11:5)—these words aren’t indicating Jesus’ general love for all people, but His particular affection for these three siblings; “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I am going there to awaken him” (11:11); “Jesus began to weep. So the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!’” (11:35-36). Jesus loves all people, and not as a ‘distant God’ Who loves coldly. He has a human heart and chooses to have a few close friends. But, after His Resurrection and in His glorified body, He can be friends with all of us. Not only is He God and our saviour, but St. Thomas Aquinas, one of our greatest theologians, called Jesus “our wisest and greatest friend” (See also CCC 142, 277, 374, 384, 2709).
So, here are four points about how Jesus’ offer of friendship affects our friendships. Presumably, Jesus chose the siblings as friends because they had great faith. Martha says, “Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, the one coming into the world” (11:27); Mary says, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died” (11:32). His friendship with them is what’s called a friendship of virtue. Last year, we mentioned the Greek philosopher Aristotle, who said there are three kinds of friendship: Friendships of utility are when we associate for mutual advantage: We’re on the same sports team, are classmates, or are business partners. Friendships of pleasure are when we find people interesting or fun to be with. Friendships of virtue are when we have the common goal of improving our character. So, the first point is: Friendships of utility and pleasure can be good or bad, whereas friendships of virtue are the ones that bring us closer to God.
Second point: God wants us to love our friends more than we already do. I once knew a man who could see a major fault in his friend but, when I asked why he didn’t tell him, he said he didn’t want to hurt him. I said, ‘But his problem is already hurting him.’ True friends help each other grow in virtue.
When Jesus hears that Lazarus is sick, the text tells us that He decides to stay longer where He is and allow Lazarus to die. Now we’re not supposed to let our friends die when we can do something about it, but follow God’s plan. And it was God’s plan that Lazarus die so that, when Jesus raises him, Martha, Mary, and others would grow in faith. God the Father wants us to help our friends grow in faith.
Third point: Fr. Larry Richards once told a story of a young man: They were sitting together and the man said, ‘Father, you’re going to be mad… My girlfriend moved in with me.’ ‘Son, why would you say you love her… and then… put her soul in danger of damnation by having sex with her.’ They talked for an hour and the young man ended with, ‘Father, please keep challenging me… to be the man God calls me to be.’ Sometime much later, thanks to God, the man and his girlfriend went to one of Father Larry’s talks and gave their lives to Christ (Be a Man!, 153-155, 189). So, the third point is: Let Jesus redeem our friendships. He loves redeeming friendships! Look at His relationship with the apostles: They were not virtuous men to begin with, but they were open to Him. So, the night before He died, He said, “You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants any longer… but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father” (Jn 15:14-15).
When friendships lead us especially into mortal sin, we need to bring Jesus in. If we let Him in, He can heal them. A year after my conversion, I decided to stop swearing. A friend at martial arts said, ‘C’mon, don’t pretend like you never used to do it.’ I said, ‘I don’t anymore,’ and he accepted that.
Fourth point: Choose friends intentionally. This is because, unfortunately, some of our friends don’t want our relationships to improve. So, sometimes, we need a break from these friendships and need to let new ones grow.
Statistically, friendships are a big factor in smoking, voting, and even divorce. If a friend is divorced, we have a 75% higher chance of divorce ourselves. On the bright side, “the quality of your marriage and family life depend a great deal upon whom you choose as friends… In particular… shared faith is linked to more sexual fidelity, greater commitment, happier wives, higher relationship quality (including greater sexual satisfaction), and more stable marriages (Brad Wilcox, Get Married, 192). For me, choosing friends intentionally has been challenging—at first, I didn’t want to do it. However, I learned first-hand that some people are lots of fun to be with but don’t bring out the best in me, whereas, some people aren’t as fun, but help me to love Jesus.
That brings us to our parish community, which is related to friendship but distinct. What makes us a community is that we have the same spiritual goals. We can’t all be friends, but we can be a bit better about fostering some friendships organically and intentionally.
Bonus point: If ever we feel we don’t have a lot of friends, then do what Jesus did: Be first a good friend to others. Don’t force people to be your friend and don’t take up their time. Volunteer generously, take care of others, and don’t expect anything in return. If you do that for many months/years, people will want to be your friend because you’re so virtuous. Jesus came when we had no interest in Him, so that we might have the gift of faith. He loved us freely, died and rose for us, and offered us His friendship.