There are seven levels of intimacy according to Catholic author Matthew Kelly. Here they are, not in order: hopes and dreams; facts; feelings; opinions; faults, fears, and failures; clichés; legitimate needs (The Seven Levels of Intimacy, 113). Which of these is the highest level of intimacy? In other words, sharing which one would result in the deepest bond of intimacy? Kelly says it’s legitimate needs.
The reason is because when we share with other people what we truly need physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, then we thrive. He contrasts this with wants. Wants can be good, but we don’t need them. However, we need food, deep relationships, to grow in knowledge, and to be in relationship with God.
Think about the times we’ve been dissatisfied: It’s probably because we don’t have our needs met. We don’t get enough sleep, our relationships aren’t going well, we’re not growing in life, and we’re far from God.
In the First Reading, God says to His people, “Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters [There is a universal need for water and God will satisfy it. But He’s referring to a deeper thirst]; and you that have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price” (Isa 55:1). God is offering to take care of those in need with a free gift.
Then He asks a question, “Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labour for that which does not satisfy?” (Is 55:2). This question really struck me. Why do I spend time and energy on things that don’t pay off? Sometimes, I aim for a goal that I want but which God doesn’t want, which I don’t need. Sometimes we work too hard, focus on certain relationships, on achievements, and buying things, and they don’t fill us.
In 2006, the famous Canadian pastor Carey Nieuwhof gave the talk of his life at one of the biggest Christian conferences in the world, but, when he landed in Toronto, everything fell apart. After three decades of incredible success, he was exhausted. He never lost his faith in Jesus, but could no longer feel his faith. He felt like people were always taking from him. And he knew he had a performance addiction; he was emotionally insecure and was trying to earn love. Like every addiction, we try to fill a need (with alcohol, social media, pornography, success) but then we’re emptier.
Nieuwhof gives eleven signs of burnout. Here are three: 1) You no longer feel the highs or lows. When we’re healthy, we feel joy at good things and sadness at bad things. But, when we’re unhealthy, we’re numb and don’t care. 2) Little things make you disproportionately emotional. We miss a deadline or the dishwasher isn’t emptied, and we react too strongly. 3) Sleep and time off no longer refuel you; even a month off won’t help. The point of these signs is that we’re not getting what we need (Didn’t See it Coming, 143-154).
After God asks the question, “Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labour for that which does not satisfy?” He says, “Listen carefully to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food. Incline your ear, and come to me; listen, so that you may live. I will make with you an everlasting covenant, my steadfast, sure love for David” (55:2-3). God tells His people to ‘listen carefully’ and ‘incline your ear’ because they haven’t been listening. One of the themes in Isaiah is that the people have been following false gods, and false gods can’t bring happiness. So, God promises something very special: ‘I will make with you an everlasting covenant.’ We’ve mentioned ‘covenant’ many times, referring to making someone part of your family, as through marriage or adoption. Through Jesus and the Holy Spirit, we are God’s adopted children and He satisfies us. So, the response is to go to Him. We can observe the Eucharistic overtones here: ‘thirsts,’ ‘eat,’ ‘wine,’ ‘bread,’ ‘rich food,’ ‘everlasting covenant.’ When we receive Holy Communion with faith and love, then we’re truly united with God; when we fill ourselves with God first and follow His plan, then everything falls into place.
How do we go to God? Carey Nieuwhof offers three suggestions: 1) Tell someone about our needs. This humbles us, which is good, because pride is often what got us into trouble. Pride focuses on what we want, not what we need. Telling someone fills our need for community, and telling someone mature about our problems is an intimate way of reaching out; 2) Keep leaning into God, which means Mass, Confession, prayer, and Scripture reading. Don’t worry about not feeling close to God. Consolation will come when God wants to give it and we’re ready to receive it. Be obedient to God, especially when we don’t feel like it, because obedience to the One Who loves us perfectly heals us; 3) Rest. All of us sometimes stay up late doing things we want, then we regret it the next day because we’re so tired and then realize that it wasn’t worth it. False gods tempt us to stay up late doing things that don’t satisfy. God our Father tells us to give up these wants and get the rest we need.
God is giving us one more month of summer. Is it possible that we could practice one of these suggestions for August: to tell someone about our needs, to lean more heavily into God, or to rest properly?
Before Nieuwhof’s burnout, he was focused on squeezing as much as he could out of every hour and day. Afterwards, he’s in the best shape of his life, is more zealous about God, and has more time for his family and friends.
God the Father has made us a promise: He offers satisfaction, if we come to Him. He’s showing the difference between our legitimate needs and our illegitimate wants. And we can never get enough of what we don’t really need. If we can let go of false gods, then we’ll find satisfaction in God the Father.